Roast My Resume

Why it matters

A resume does one job: get you the interview. Everything else — the design, the wording, the keywords — is in service of that single outcome. Most resumes fail because they are written for the applicant, not for the reader: a recruiter who spends six to ten seconds scanning before deciding whether to look deeper, and an ATS that may never even show your resume to a human if the formatting and keywords are wrong.

The four personas in this roast mirror the real people who evaluate you. The savage roast finds the filler and weak phrasing a recruiter skims past. The recruiter persona reacts the way an actual hiring manager would on first pass. The ATS check simulates the filtering software that decides whether a human ever sees you. And the rewrite-focused review gives you a concrete path to a stronger document — not generic advice like "use action verbs," but specific fixes for what is actually on your page.

Common mistakes

• Leading with an objective instead of impact. Objective statements tell the recruiter what you want. Your first line should tell them what you have done and for whom. Replace "seeking a challenging role" with a headline of your strongest measurable result.
• Generic verbs that any candidate could write. "Responsible for," "helped," "worked on" — these are placeholders. Recruiters read them as "did something, unclear what." Swap them for verbs that carry evidence: delivered, reduced, launched, automated.
• Skills listed without proof. A list of skills is a promise with no receipt. Every hard skill on your resume should be backed by a line somewhere that shows you actually used it, ideally with a number attached.
• The wall of text. Dense paragraphs are the #1 way to lose a recruiter in the first scan. Each bullet should be one thought, one result, one line of evidence. If a bullet needs a second line, cut the weakest clause.
• ATS-unfriendly formatting. Columns, tables, graphics, and special characters can scramble in applicant tracking systems. Plain section headers, standard fonts, and a single-column layout keep the ATS parser from mangling your content.
• Stale contact or title mismatch. A title that does not match the role you are applying for, or contact info buried at the bottom, costs you on both the scan and the ATS match. Keep your headline, location, and links current and obvious.

The checklist

• Reverse-chronological, clean single column. ATS parsers and recruiters both prefer simple, predictable layouts.
• A 5-7 word headline with your title and specialty. This is your resume's H1 — make it specific, not "Marketing Professional."
• Measurable results in the top third. The first half-page decides whether anyone reads the second half.
• At least one number per bullet. "Grew revenue," "reduced cost," "cut time" — quantify wherever possible.
• Keywords from the actual job description. Mirror the exact terms the role uses; that is what ATS match scores measure.
• No first-person pronouns or objective paragraph. Your name is the pronoun. Everything else is evidence.
• Correct and obvious contact block. Name, title, city, email, phone, LinkedIn, portfolio at the top.
• One-page or tight two-page. Under 7 years: one page. Senior roles: two pages max, every line earning its place.
• Consistent tense (past tense for past roles). A single wrong tense reads as carelessness to a recruiter.
• Zero typos — read it aloud backwards. Typos are the most common disqualifier mentioned in recruiter surveys.

How to use Resume

1. Paste the full text of your resume. Include your summary, experience bullets, skills, and education. The more detail, the more specific the feedback.
2. Choose your personas. Run the roast for the brutal truth, then the recruiter persona for the first-impression pass, then the ATS check for the technical match.
3. Read for patterns, not individual lines. One weak bullet is noise. If the same problem shows up in three bullets, that is your real fix.
4. Apply the top three fixes first. Rewrite the highest-impact issues, then re-run the roast to confirm they are actually fixed.
5. Tailor per application. The resume that cleared your roast for one role will not fit every role. Adjust keywords per job description and re-check.

What this roast checks

The resume roast runs four separate checks because different people read your resume differently. The savage roast targets surface-level problems: filler phrases, weak verbs, and bullets that describe duties instead of results. The recruiter persona reads for first impressions — would a hiring manager stop reading in six seconds? The ATS persona simulates how applicant tracking software parses your text and matches it against a job description, testing format, keywords, and section headers. The friendly review turns everything into a concrete rewrite order, so you leave with the three highest-impact fixes rather than a vague “fix your resume.”

5 pro tips from the review

• Put the result before the role in every bullet. Recruiters scan for impact first. Start bullets with what you achieved, not what your title was.
• Mirror the exact keywords from the job posting. ATS software scores keyword matches, so reuse the precise terms and phrases the role uses.
• Cut anything that could be said about any candidate. If a bullet works for a stranger’s resume, it is not evidence — replace it with a number.
• Keep one column and standard fonts. Tables, icons, and columns often scramble in ATS parsers and hide your content from the reader.
• Re-run the roast after your top-three fixes. One more pass confirms you closed the actual gaps instead of polishing the wrong ones.

By the numbers

Related guides

• 10 Resume Mistakes That Get You Rejected
• Resume Action Verbs List
• How Long Should a Resume Be?
• How to Pass the ATS Scan

Roast a famous website

• Roast LinkedIn's Website
• Roast Harvard University's Website
• Roast GitHub's Website